Coffinlime / The Mumbling Stones
Coffinlime / The Mumbling Stones
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» Coffinlime / The Mumbling Stones
Summary:
Short and Sweet
(account deleted)So, I like this so far after a quick read. Will provide crit below.
Coffinlime doesn't seem any different from regular limestone under the microscope, but it contains extraordinary preservative properties, capable of keeping anything alive for up to thousands of years.
So, I don't know about what you personally believe, but I'm pretty sure dinosaurs lived more than thousands of years ago. You should maybe change thousands to millions.
It doesn't matter how dangerous a person or animal was during it's time, more than a week trapped inside a Coffinlime shell puts it's captive on life-support.
its*
Also, I don't think it’s necessary to specify the dagerousness part. You get your point across by implying that all living are dependent on the lime once put in it.
Crack open the Coffinlime shell and the captive dies within the hour.
As a reader I'm wondering whether size or certain traits prolong or shorten the time a living thing can be outside of the lime. I don't think it would be necessary to add, but it would be nice for some more specification to take place.
As for the entire description, I notice that you make it a point about how the things inside the stones make sounds and possibly move a little. Nowhere do I see this in the description, and I think it would make a great lead in to the rest of the article where you explain it in greater detail.
Coffinlime has been known since the time of Ancient Greece, passed down through oral myths and legend.
Ok, so, first off, you have no real-life evidence or evidence you introduce before this which can validate this statement. Did the Society just randomly stumble on a piece of notebook paper with this specific information about this particular aberrant? I'd say scrap this or back it up.
It wasn't until 1804 when eccentric millionaire James Reed set off on an archeological expedition to New Mexico to excavate the legendary ore, that we received the first modern account of Coffinlime's existence.
Again, how did this James Reed fellow find out about the limestone? I'd think this could be an opportunity for some locals to have some funny incursions with the aberrant where they release a velociraptor, it dies shortly after, and this James guy happens to hear about it and cover it up somehow.
Reed used the mystic ore to in an attempt to save his wife Jillian, who was dying of dysentery, so that she may be preserved until a future time when doctors can find a cure. Nearly one-hundred and fifty years later, in 1953, a lone Warder happened upon rumors of The Mumbling Stone and decided to investigate. Turns out that poor woman was conscious the whole time, unable to move or sleep or do anything really. She told the Warder her story before dying an hour after the stone shell was shattered.
Dang. The dude didn't think to maybe use it on himself. Also, I have some problems with the narrative you put forth here. Rumors and chance happenings can only get you so far. How was it that the Mumbling Stone just so happened to be in pristine and untouched condition from the locals before the Warder comes and shatters it without hesitation.
Perhaps the locals could have thought it was cursed and to leave it alone. A reason like this could make it so the stone is there to be broken by the lone Warder who is more knowledgable in these matters than the locals. But then again, the Warder should have more cautious and maybe called for backup unless he's an idiot (which there could plausibly be a lot of believe me).
How the lady isn't clinically insane when she comes out is beyond me. Does the stone preserve state of mind as well? Perhaps the Warder finds out about the story in another way.
Since then, similar reports of Mumbling Stones have cropped up here and there, all of them breaking easily. The captives inside were different, sometimes man, sometimes beast, sometimes unknown thing, but they were all weak and expired soon after finally finding freedom.
I don't know if I necessarily like the wording in the first sentence about them suddenly cropping up after that previous encounter. Maybe the Society started paying more attention and that's how they found and identified the new cases?
Other than that everything else in that paragraph is fine.
Since this ore is so rare, Warders don't have to do much. Look up archeological news and if you hear reports of talking rocks and you're in the area, check it out anthe d perform a mercy kill.
I have a problem with how you find new samples of this aberrant. Do you think some Norman archeologist is gonna get away with breathing the wayward mission by breaching information about magic rocks? I think it would be way more likely for the Bureau to shut them up before they post anything anywhere. I think Warders, in this case, shouldn't just be able to do a Google search to find this aberrant and where it is.
Also, w.. what? Mercy kills? The Society isn't inherently a ”necessary evil” foundation. I'd think that whatever human or humanoid trapped in the rocks would try to be communicated with before we put them to the shorgun. If you mean mercy kill as in ending their pain because they experience pain and discomfort once they leave the shell, I'm okay with that. Also, if that's the case, you should mention that living animals that can experience it will feel pain like some sort of drug withdrawal once they leave the Mumbling Stones.
It is our solemn duty to mercy kill these poor men and beasts who were trapped in a hellish prison for who knows how long.
Heh, this seems kind of an unnecessary sentence to me. Not everyone who is gonna be chasing after these rocks is gonna be a good person. Also, we currently do not have any sort of moral guidelines for the Society at the moment as to what volunteers can and can't do. Perhaps we should have something like a code of ethics, but we currently don't.
The only danger is some entity who might know and pretend to be a Coffinlime captive.
Whoever does this is a sad individual and doesn't take into account how its really hard to act as a thing which is going to be dead in a couple minutes. I don't see this as an actual problem unless you can introduce some sort of new aspect which makes this an actual problem?
The only danger is some entity who might know and pretend to be a Coffinlime captive. Best to keep your distance and shoot the stone shell, or use some dynamite, which should be more than enough to crack it open. If it, doesn't break after a few shots (or a single stick of dynamite) then that Mumbling Stone is probably something else and you better re-check the Aberration Catalogue and pull out the big guns.
Again, I think there could be some sort of caution involved in the killing of whatever is inside of these things. Aberrations are living things and they could possibly be inside of these as well. I can see a scenario where potentially there is a dangerous possible orange to red threat being released because some jackass hammered a pretty rock in the middle of the woods.
1971
Reports of a strange voice in a cave near my hunting grounds prompted me to investigate. Sounded to me like the sobs of a man in pain so I broke the lime where the sound was coming from with my pickaxe and sure enough there was a seven foot tall viking berserker, sobbing like a baby. The viking spoke entirely in medieval Norse so I had to record what he was saying with a portable cassette player and then translate it later. From what I can make of it, he lamented about how he was supposed to be a fearless berserker but ran away from a band of Indians when his side started to lose. He then ran into a cave and hid for three days until he was sure the Indians went away. He was overjoyed he managed to survive … until the walls caved in around him. Said it was his punishment for being a coward. After he told his story, I walked the Berserker out of the cave and made sure that before this poor man died, he had one last good look at the sun.- Warder Tenebaum
How is this Viking dude not insane? Why did he immediately trust the Warder? If the Warder didn't understand him, how could have have not immediately known that what the Viking was saying wasn't some schpeal about how he was going to rip his head off?
We of the Howling Raiders outfit investigated an urban myth about a talking tombstone.
We break open the tombstone and out flies a giant dragonfly. Nobody knew how big it was since it was night but we all swear on our mothers' graves that this thing's wingspan was twice the length of Howler Two's Ford F150. It flew pretty slow before settling on a nearby tree and died in the branches. After we disposed of the rotting carapace, we went to the bar and drank to the memory of that horrible and magnificent insect.
So, if this thing is a giant dragonfly, then how were the rumors supposedly about a talking tombstone? What about some buzzing instead? I like this encounter log other than that.
Some friends in construction told me about another creepy basement. It's annoying but we all know the creed, I know therefore I act, and now that I know there's creepy shit in some rich fuck's basement, I am obligated to act and ruin my own vacation to get to the bottom of this.
That entire sentence which I bolded doesn't really need to be there. It just seems like unnecessary bloat to me.
Immediately, a four-foot tall Wooden Statue walks out of the hole wearing a full Native - American chieftain headdress and heads directly towards me. I tell him to put his hands behind his head and stay where he is, but the wooden man ignores me completely. He plucks a feather from his headdress, bends down on his tree branch knees and tries to scratch something on the dusty basement floor. When I notice he keeps stabbing himself with the feather to write with his own tree sap, I rush to get some brushes and paints from the architect upstairs. He takes the tools without even looking at me and begins to slowly paint a massively detailed and intricate mosaic. After an hour of intense painting, he stands up, beams me a smile then collapses on the floor.
This observation from the Warder seems out of place and just there to only be to forward the wooden man painting something. Perhaps the paint and brushes is nearby and the wooden man reaches for it himself?
From what I can tell by the painting, I think he was made by an Aztec or Mayan shaman in order to explore caves deep beneath the earth and mine for gold. Then woodman got stuck and never came back. I have no idea why such a simple story needed to be conveyed in such a complex painting when a few stick figures could do the trick. Guess that wooden automaton just wanted to spend the last of his energy doing something he loved before he died. Makes you wonder if later Warders will discover our underground mining drones in the future.
- Warder Stag Five
What a weirdly specific observation on the Warder about the possible use of the wooden man. I think it’d be better to have the Warder try not to assume anhthung. That also goes for how the wooden statue got there. The Warder doesn't know whether or not it could have been planted there for some odd reason. Also, it's a statue, not exactly a living thing. Why did it collapse like all the others? This is another thing to take into consideration when thinking about the core of this idea. Maybe it sucks out some sort of abstract life energy?
2014
I checked the site before I went to hunt, like I always do. Threat: White, Active Status: Pacified. "Jake Vasquez", I tell myself, "this is going to be easy." Well it wasn't. I head out through a desert so empty, there isn't a single tumbleweed and find a random flat rock, half the size of my car, in the middle of nowhere. Edgy teenagers used the rock as a make-out spot, the whispers give them a cheap thrill, now I was going to destroy it. I get out of my car, hear the mumbles coming from the flat-rock and shoot it. Out comes the nastiest son-of-a-bitch you've ever seen filled with horns, and teeth and claws as it charges towards me. I shit myself and run but its too fast and it brings me to the ground. The unholy abomination unhinges one of it's massive jaws and tries to gore me but it can't. It's just too weak. The devil's bites are more like nibbles and they tickle; I can't help but laugh. Not ten minutes later the thing collapses and all light goes out from it's many eyes. It's funny when I look back on it now but if that thing was poisonous, I could have died. Leaving the Coffinlime might put these creatures into a weakened state and some of them may want to lax loquaciously about their pasts but not all of them. Some of them are weak and desperate and have nothing to lose. Some of them want to have one last kill?
I don’t think the Warder themselves assigning the classifications is right. They’re mainly assigned by DCCs. It just seems unnecessary when an individual does it. Again, this guy could have escercised some caution (but some Warders are reckless so there’s that). Since this an aberrant we have heard about it, it would be okay if it can talk since we don’t know much about it. When I read about this thing it sounds like a Jersey Devil, and that is maybe wha you were hinting at.
So I noticed here you introduce a mechanic where things left inside of it are weakened. This is not hinted at in the description, and it probably should.
———
For an article written in less than one day, this is pretty good. I get creative outbursts like these sometimes and they turn into articles sometimes. I like this. Just consider everything I said and either change or don’t change. It’s up to you. I can see this be the catalyst for some pretty neat stories. Try to polish it up some more.
Rocks with life inside. Neat. snaps picture
Toads, dinosaurs and even viking berserkers were found encased in shells of Coffinlime right under our feet.
Viking is a proper noun.
While trapped inside, captives tend to whisper, mumble and sometimes they may even move.
Strike out: sometimes they
This has led to folk lore and overblown rumors about Mumbling Stones being more dangerous than they seem, nothing can be farther from the truth.
Add though after "seem, though nothing…"
It doesn't matter how dangerous a person or animal was during it's time, more than a week trapped inside a Coffinlime shell puts its captive on life-support.
it's should be changed to its. This one's a bit odd to me, it seems size is more important than a perceived danger level. I would replace this with "It doesn't matter how large a person or animal was during its time…"
When emerging, captives are severely weakened to the point where orange or even red-level threats are [insert weakness allegory]
You can change to, "where orange or even red level threats have no energy to act possibly due to some physical and mental atrophy.
Coffinlime also seems to have sanity-preserving properties as all known human captives who have emerged acted relatively calm and sane before they died. Human captives somehow know that they are going to die, even if they were unaware of the properties of Coffinlime before being confined, and seem to have an intense desire to tell someone their story before they die.
Sane possibly due to understanding their situation at some point? I feel like they'd at worst be catatonic and at best, able to recall their story. A hypothesis by the author or discoverer would assist with this.
Warder Tenebaum's name should be introduced in at least the Background section so the connection can be made to the logs.
As an overal thing, while I can't put my finger on it, but I would try to clean up some of the language or phrasing a bit. Just a few selected bits:
While the occasional Mumbling Stones folklore cropped up here and there…
It is our solemn duty to mercy kill these poor men and beasts who were trapped in a hellish prison for who knows how long…
May seem rather too casual, which is not a big deal considering the tone of other articles, but it seems to be awkward phrasing (at least to me). My example for changing the first one could be:
"While the occasional Mumbling Stones folklore may have cropped up in oral campfire traditions…"
Lastly, I'd quotebox those encounter records and format them more for smoother a e s t h e t i c s.
It's just me personally, but the collapsible boxes should imo not have the "I know therefore I act" as the minimize option because sometimes people need to reference what the entry was about in the first place. I see this as more site-wide than anything.
Thumbs up.
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