The Night Bear
http://www.wayward-wiki.net/author:abberant-75 Here's the Sandbox Article.
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The Night Bear
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» The Night Bear
Summary:
An Immortal & Nocturnal Bear.
I'm going to do line by line suggested edits for grammar first and then talk about the content!
The Night Bear is a Nnocturnal Grizzly bear, weighing in about at 600-700 pounds and 6-7 feet tall, but this one in particular has distinct scarring (removed hyphen and added semicolon); it appears to have multiple gunshot wounds as well as stab wounds perforations and claw marks covering its back and face. This particular bear has been reported in the local park for the past 70 years. For reference, the average life span of a bear is merely 20 years, 25 with some good conditioning.
All attempts to hunt and capture the bear have failed, just the same with all the attempts to hunt and kill the bear it. The Night Bear is not explicitly hostile, but it can and will kill if bothered *harassed*. It does appear to have the need to eat, and it appears is also to be able to be wounded, but no matter what it can never dies from these wounds; Warders reports say that they have "emptied an entire hunting rifle clips" into The Night Bear, with little to no result. Most shockingly, (there uncapitalized) there have been reports that this bear is capable of human vocalizations (removed period) which may not be particularly accurate, but it is capable of mimicking human speech patterns.
This has disturbing implications and bothers us very much, we'll have to look more into that and see if it has any indicates it has higher thinking patterns thought processes than an average bear.
First reported in the area by German Immigrants in 1949, they called it was called "Das Nacht Bar," which was translated into English as "The Night Bear" which is what we call it today. It has been responsible for many deaths and is assumed to be responsible for many disappearances as well; The local (local turned lower case) populace knows about it, and some of the Native Americans hint that it may have been around for much, much longer than 1949, perhaps dating back to the 1700's or even further back, seeing how the Native Americans speak of it is spoken of as a legend in Native circles.
Conclusion: I see very strong parts of this article and I've decided to give those parts my focus on grammar. I think we'll see a lot of edits on this one, so I've fixed what I liked and relegated the rest into this section. The Description and Background are the stronger pieces with the Description providing a good set up and Background contributing, but they currently do not pay off at the end of the article.
The concept is simple and that works well in its favor to hook us in, but it currently isn't packed with enough information to keep us interested. The Description part is good enough to detail its appearances and possibly its abilities. The Background definitely needs work and is very frugal on detail. We are not introduced to its general roaming regions, although German immigrants may clue us in on say Pennsylvania or something. There is a lot of German folklore that can be mixed into here and it almost feels real. But this lack of background took me out of the article beyond the vague mentions of German heritage and Native American folklore. If these concepts were fleshed out more and possibly woven into the greater narrative, that would do well to build up the article. Something simple and mysterious could be "The devil's bear that came back to punish naughty hunters!" But you know, not as corny as what I wrote. Even something small like that. I would prefer that it's kept grounded though in-line with the rest of the article.
Ok, Location and Population needs a bit of detail. Since it's one Evergreen that doesn't seem to roam too far, I'd place it in a specific region or spot, possibly a range of its movement. Pick a spot in NA, and detail where this region is, and what its possible movement or migration patterns could be. Make it believable and somewhat specific, especially if it's been encountered before.
Next, the Hunting methods need rework. While it can't be killed, Warders would know it could possibly be outsmarted some other way. Methods to detect its vocalizations, outrunning it, possible weaknesses to stop it. Maybe shooting stuns it or something. There's a plethora of extra detail that could enhance this portion.
Same for encounter records, needs additional detail and should introduce something interesting in comparison to the rest of the article. We know its abilities, we know where it is, now the WHO it encountered and WHY it was important enough to be cataloged is needed. Basically an example of its abilities that was compiled into this report and could possibly reveal something about it deeper that's not detailed above.
OK! I hope this critique is helpful to you, I think if you do some detail work into the sections, it will surely enhance the article. Feel free to repost in this thread after my suggestions so we can take a look at it again. The concept is one of those that feel believable and is a great fit on here. Refine, refine, refine!
Round 2 of Critique
Details improve it, and I can see you want to keep this a more concise article. I'll assist with grammar and formatting of it.
I see a lot of hyphenated stops throughout. I'd be careful of the reliance on that. If you need to break up your sentences, don't be afraid to. If you do use hyphens, use the double minus — to hyphen.
--Also, be wary of capitalized letters that come after commas, hyphens, and semi-colons. The starts of sentences are capitalized after periods.
Mentions of "the bear" are sometimes capitalized as "the Bear", and sometimes not. Keep it consistent. Include the name of the group of Natives in Montana, rather than hand-waving it. I would try to tie in the lore between the Native and German immigrant legends more. Also, did Montana have a German population? Might want to fact check for believability. The term Indian also made me think of India instead of what you really meant at first.
For the roaming areas, I like the inclusion of its range, but I have little reference to where its 10 km range is. There's probably a hundred miles worth of border, so please add reference to that area position, 10km is like, nothing in comparison to that! Circumference is also a measurement of the border of the circle, not the area!
It tore through rope with ease, Broke solid oak wood, and even was even able of bending to bend solid steel bars with its teeth- meaning that it may have one of the most powerful bite forces on the planet. Further investigation required.
The Night Bear
Unless The Night Bear is the name of a band, "The" does not need to be capitalized in the middle of a sentence. I see instances of The Night Bear, instead of the Night Bear.
He knew it wouldn't do any so he continued to fire but it still didn't do anything to the bear.
You accidentally a word and phrasing here.
The Under Bureau Investigation collapsible is strange and I think unnecessary to be put into a collapsible. If it were a Bureau stylized report, that'd be a different story.
The Ranger, before I left, gave me a newspaper clipping. It was an article dated "19th of October, 1983" and it was titled: **"BABY TAKEN DOWN STREAM BY RAPIDS- SAVED BY BEAR?!". I looked up at the Ranger in confusion, wondering what this meant. Does this mean that this animal has morals?. I'm not sure what this implies- but if this bear has an actual moral system, is it possible that other Cryptids or Evergreens have morals? Or is this bear special? More research is needed, (Capitalize i'll) i'll put in a request to the Bureau for further resources.
The newspaper clipping's title should be changed to be less tabloid-y, and more believable. The Warder really makes a logical leap in thinking that this is the bear in the clipping is the Night Bear with little evidence, even if a Ranger gave him the clipping. The headline should be changed or made to be more believable, or he could give him some other substantial evidence that is explained better.
Check out my collapsible!
the Night Bear is a nocturnal Grizzly bear
T in "the" should be capitalized as it's at the beginning of a sentence.
weighing in at 600-700 pounds and is 6-7 feet tall
Added "is" as a verb, otherwise "weighing in" would be this clause's verb.
"It" should be "it" because it follows a semi-colon. Doesn't need to be capitalized.
Most shockingly, there have been reports that this bear is capable of human vocalizations. which may Not be particularly accurate, but it is capable of mimicking human speech patterns.
Remove the period after vocalizations and lowercase "Not" because it's uppercase for some reason.
This has disturbing implications, as it indicates that it may have a higher thought process than the average bear.
Add "as" before "it indicates"
One man of a distinct and powerful Indian Blackfoot heritage told us that "The Bear is an ancient forest spirit, one of passive strength and power, one of primal energy", this is supported by the destruction it seems to be capable of.
Replaced "Indian" with Blackfoot for more authenticity. Indian is too generalized.
It appears to hunt and travel all through out the Montana/Canadian border in a wide swath of land, about 10 kilometers in circumference diameter, originating from the Wild Horse Border Crossing between Montana and Canada.
By adding this last part, it connects the article to the map better and is a little flavor for exacting a location.
It tore through rope with ease, Broke solid oak wood, and was even able to bend solid steel bars with its teeth- meaning that it may have one of the most powerful bite forces on the planet. Further investigation required.
"Broke solid…" needs to be "broke solid…" since broke is in the middle of the sentence. No need for capitalization. Ad another - after "teeth-" to show up as "teeth—"
In your encounter records, you still have instances of "The Night Bear" with The capitalized. Only capitalize The at the beginning of sentences, since The isn't really part of the Night Bear's title.
…Night Bear was "Merciful" and decided…
Merciful does not need to be capitalized in the middle of this sentence.
..- as is up to par for a Ranger who are naturally curious creatures-…
Commas would accomplish the same goal as the hyphens and I recommend you replace those with commas.
He knew it wouldn't do any good so he continued to fire, lo and behold, it did nothing to the bear.
I think, it could be written in a way to better reveal that the Ranger realized the severity of the situation. Something like "After firing many times at the creature with no effect, the Ranger knew what kind of bear this exactly was."
He had lost on an arm, an eye, a leg, and a lot of other things in the attack but…
Replaced "on" with "an"
"I've seen lots of animals, I've stared into the eyes of wolves, coyotes, owls, bears, and even some monsters that god decided to hide inside the forest- But The Night Bear? I've never seen eyes like that. There was power in those eyes. Power that I've never seen before."
- But The Night Bear?
Replace the hyphen with a period and lowercase "The", and you're golden for this quote.
If what the Ranger had said was true, Does this mean that this animal has morals?.
Lowercase "Does" and you have an extra period at "morals?."
I'm not sure what this implies- but if this bear has an actual moral system conscience, is it possible that other Cryptids or Evergreens have morals?
Replace hyphen after "implies-" with comma. Instead of "moral system" you could say "conscience" (knowing right from wrong) because the word moral is used often in this block, causing repetition. I think that last part " is it possible that other Cryptids or Evergreens have morals?" is already answered by some of the aberrations we do have. I think a better question to ask could be "is it possible that we can communicate or even teach this bear between right and wrong?"
I suggest that No warders hunt The Night Bear seeing as it's immortal, just a thought.
-Clerk Jacob
Lowercase "No" and "the" add an extra - before "-Clerk" to show up as "—Clerk."
Here are the next few steps. Apply the fixes I suggested, as these are almost all grammar or formatting issues. Then, reread your article and make sure you like it. And that's about it! It was a fun read and always good to add in some simple concept aberrants every now and then. I liked the Encounter Records and what they implied, and for a first article, it captures the mood well. My only further critique is watch the tone in some places, but after these fixes, I think it's ready.
/forum/t-10468567/the-night-bear#post-